The older one becomes the bigger chance that person has experience with the dying...a spouse, family member or friend. It is never easy. Ideally it is nice when both the dying person and the people around the dying can talk about the situation. This doesn’t happen often. Americans tend to have a "war on death" mentality..."I’m gonna beat this thing" gets in the way of dealing with the reality of impending death.

The dying person and those around them often go through a series of feelings - denial, anger and lethargy - before some kind of acceptance is reached. This makes it hard for any discussion to happen. Discomfort with the situation can arise for both the dying and those around the dying. It can be overwhelming for all concerned.

And this is the time there is so much to discuss! Where will the person die? At home? In the hospital? Hospice? There are so many choices. Finances and how the person is dying often dictates what will be done. There are times when there is no time to plan or discuss. An accident or fast acting disease and lives are changed almost immediately.

Many people are uncomfortable being around a dying person. They don’t know what to say, what to do. Therefore they stay away. The dying end up alone. If you are dying feel free to let people know if you would like to be with them or not.

If this is your first experience around a dying person and you are a little fearful try to go with someone else for the first visit. Before you go talk to the caregiver about the best time/day to visit. Understand you are not there to entertain the dying person. Just sitting with the ill person can be a comfort for both of you.

If the dying person is in a facility, if you don’t know the visiting hours, call the facility to find out. When you walk to the patient’s door, if it is closed you may want to wait or ask the nurses station if it is ok to go into the room. A dying person’s dignity often becomes lost. You as a visitor can help keep that dignity.

This is but a little of what one needs to know, either as a visitor or someone who is dying. There is also the caregiver. The visitor, the caregiver and the dying person...a delicate dynamic...we will devote more columns to this dynamic in the future.